“It’s a great day outside,” your parents say in excited unison, eager to kick you out of the house and watch you spontaneously combust under the unwavering heat of the sun. “You should go out and play!” Hmm. How about no? You see, there are many advantages to being a gamer, such as having superior hand-eye coordination to most, or having the divine privilege of taking the confidence of noobs and shoving it face-first into the virtual dirt. And we get excited on a sunny day, too, but it’s only because storms have a tendency to mess up internet connection. So, without further adieu (And more sentences in this already-excessively-wordy introduction), I present the top three advantages to being a gamer.

First of all, the environment doesn’t change what we happen to be doing. Because, if there’s no wind, you can’t go outside and fly kites. But you can play Battlefield or Team Fortress 2. If it’s raining, you can’t go outside and play football (unless your idea of football involves sliding around in the mud and falling flat on your face every five seconds.), but you can play Minecraft.

In addition, being a gamer allows for endless fun and games putting pixelated arrows into the faces of your friends, or cooperating with them to build a zombie-proof fort, or perhaps beating them into colorful, explosive oblivion (Have you read the childhood memory post yet?).

And lastly, video games have been scientifically proven to improve certain brain functions. I was too lazy to write all of this information down, as, sadly, it does not affect our motivation to do something, but I’m sure that if you can read this post, you can read that article. It’s really interesting. Try it.

So, now you know why we don’t simply stop gaming and go outside of our own free will, or feed our cats (and/or dogs), or go to eat lunch at a reasonable hour, because we are (or would like to pretend that we are) constantly aware of these advantages, and the fun that being a gamer simultaneously provides us with.

Oh, school, I’m glad you’ve come
Back to me in the fall.
Now that I can do some work
I cannot game at all.

I wish that I had gone
To anywhere but you.
Although, what else is
A kid like me to do?

So now I go to school,
Do classwork, what a chore!
You are always tiring me,
Not looking for others to bore.

And as if that’s not enough,
We get homework too.
I don’t need the “extra practice”,
Just something fun to do.

You make me sit at tables all day,
My happiness battered and broken. (Close enough)
And there’s one more reason I despise you:
You made me write this poem.

When I was little, I just couldn’t do without my daily fix of Smash Bros. I was always tapping furiously on my controller, beating my less than fortunate opponents into colorful, explosive oblivion. It was the most entertaining, addicting, moderately violent game I had owned at age seven. It had all the characters unlocked, the story completed, and a number of trophies about equivalent to pi without the decimal.

When I played this game of mine, I always won. The CPUs, the neighborhood kids, even my little brother fell at my virtual hands. Nothing could beat me.

Now, when I said always in the first paragraph (waaaaay up there), I meant always. There was never a time when I wasn’t playing it, and on the preposterously rare occasion when I wasn’t, I was thinking of new, creative ways to beat my enemies off-stage.

I eventually got over this addiction, even though it was soon replaced with Minecraft, but I still play it today. And, if you ever have to go up against me, well, prepare yourself.

We all,have apps we can’t live without. It doesn’t matter whether they’re on your smartphone or your desktop, they are there and you use them every day. I have a few of those. Music, Calculator, Skype, etc., and if I am on my phone, there are 5 apps that I am almost guaranteed to be using.

1.) Music: This is the app that I use most. I’m almost always listening to the newest Monstercat album, or some of the old songs that I love. Now if only I could get Metallica or Queen on my phone…

2.) Skype: This is one of those apps sitting on the border of productivity and “productivity”. It can really go either way. But no matter which it is at the moment, it takes up almost no memory and doesn’t exhaust one’s minutes when connected to WiFi. (I think)

3.) Calculator: The stock calculator is great for a quick math problem or a sudden blank. We all have it, but it’s just so underutilized.

4.) iFunny: Now, I know what the app says when you try to download it. I know of the content, but if I just avoid collective, it’s all OK. This app is great for a quick laugh or just general procrastination.

5.) App Store: Ah, another stock application! Most of these are useless to me, but some are quite useful. I don’t really spend a lot of money on the App Store. In fact, I am usually quite frugal. But it’s fun to see what everyone’s caught up in all the time.

So, there you have it. The apps that I use almost constantly. Most of these you may not agree with, but that’s okay, everyone’s entitled to their own opinions. So, now I have a question to ask of you: What’s your list?

If you ever visit Austin, there will be places you want to go. There’s a whole slew of establishments and businesses to keep you entertained for weeks. There’s K1 Indoor Kart Racing, a Dave & Buster’s, and food (It’s almost impossible to walk around the block and not see a restaurant.). Everyone has a favorite place to go, and I go to mine almost every day. But I couldn’t possibly be bored sitting at my computer.

There’s a reason for this, of course. My computer offers an unlimited amount of games, entertainment, and opportunities that you just can’t find anywhere else. I’ve had so much fun on the weekends sitting at my desk, building castles and badly sniping in Team Fortress 2 (Machina, Gibus, Bodyshots. Need I say more?), that I really don’t need to go anywhere else for fun. Partially because I’m usually in the middle of something whenever I go somewhere, but mostly because I just don’t want to get up. Which brings us to my next reason for enjoying my computer:

My desk is much easier to get to than anywhere else. Sure, I could go to Six Flags. And that would be great. But that requires a fairly long drive when I can get to my computer in less than a minute, just by walking. And if you’re spending too much time driving, you don’t have as much time for fun. If you had a choice between driving a half-hour to a theme park to sit in line and walking for 30 seconds to go blow stuff up, which would you choose? I would blow stuff up, but that might just be me.

Anyway, this is why my favorite place in Austin is my computer. It’s entertaining and easy to get to, and I can just sit in my pajamas all weekend.

Inspector O’Hare stepped cautiously into the Phantom’s lair. He took a deep breath of the moldy, musty air of the all-too-creepy cavern he stood in. There was a slight orange glow, provided by a lone candle flickering on its rusty iron candlestick. It illuminated a table, which carried a lavish crimson placemat and skull, tilted on its side. Opposite the table, shrouded in mist from the murky, indigo lake beside it, was the Phantom’s old throne. It was a little worse for the wear, with stuffing cascading out of the maroon cushions and the now-tarnished gold armrests dominated by cobwebs. Across from the throne, an organ sat draped in a thick layer of dust.

He looked toward a set of black curtains directly in front of him. The cool mist swirled around the doorway, and a chill went through the inspector. The last place he had wanted to be was down here in this dark, ominous cave. Why couldn’t he have been asked to look at the bank robbery on 4th street, or the 3-car pileup on Parliament? Even the spontaneous murder of five people would be a more desirable job than this. The inspector brushed aside the curtains, revealing an already half-open iron door leading into a new room. The door wasn’t yet open enough for him to get through, so he shoved it aside, and despite its squeaky, earsplitting protests, it opened.

The room was lit by two candlesticks, both rusted as well, with scarlet candles burning in the smaller expanse of cave. There was a desk with a leather bound book titled, “The Imbecile’s Guide to Torturing Intruders” and another titled, “Murder for Dimwits”. Another skull decorated the desk.

He walked outside of the room. In front of him, an old rope tied into a noose hung from a stalactite. It had moss draped around the circle, where some poor unfortunate soul’s head would be. He turned toward the exit, and with one last look into the room, noticed that the noose was gone. He heard a whoosh from behind him. He turned, nothing there. He took a few steps forward, and a whoosh sounded again. There was a flash of white just to his left. He turned, still nothing. His heart pounded in his chest. The inspector knew he was in danger. He had to leave. Now. He could see the exit just in front of him, a light shining on the damp, dark, gray walls of the cave. He turned to run, and was caught with a rope that had writhed its way around his neck. He struggled, gasping for breath, and a psychotic, menacing laugh sounded from behind him as his vision faded to nothingness.

Photo Credit: i k o via Compfight

We’ve all had hat moment. The one where you wake up half-asleep, stretch a little bit, hit the snooze button on your alarm clock hard enough to break it, and realize it’s Monday. So you throw your covers over your head and try to go back to sleep. But why do you hate Mondays so much? Is it just because it’s a Monday? Do you hate school/work? Well, whatever your reason is, you hate Mondays. We all do.

The first reason most people hate Mondays is most likely because the weekend is now officially OVER. No more parties, game-a-thons, or generally being a couch potato. No more laziness. No more fun. Just work.

A good second reason would probably be that you hate your job. Because nobody enjoys going to the cube farm (not a Minecraft reference, I swear), nobody likes going to school (I blame homework), and nobody, I repeat, nobody, likes getting up and dragging yourself to wherever it is you have to be.

Lastly, nobody wants to get out of bed anyway. They just want to get up, look around, stretch a bit, and go back to sleep.

So, these are some pretty good reasons that you would hate Mondays, and some of you may not. But unless you have some kinda superpower, you’d most likely agree with the whole “Mondays suck” thing. Anyway, now that I’m done stretching, I’m gonna go back to sleep.

Ah, tomorrow. A mystical land where all of human achievement is stored, sometimes unconsciously, usually not. With just one, “I’ll do it tomorrow,” you have successfully put some of your own achievement into Tomorrow, and you probably won’t get it out anytime soon.
So, how exactly do you fend off Tomorrow? Well, it’s pretty easy, and it only takes three things: Time, honesty, and a whole lot of boredom.

Let’s cover boredom first. So, for this first step, you can just sit around and do nothing. You may only eat, drink, breathe, and study. For as long as it takes for you to build up that much boredom. No, you may not play video games, you may not do your homework (yet), and you may not go outside. Now sit on the couch and breathe.

Bored yet? Good. Now, the honesty comes into play. What do you need to do? Why did you force yourself through all of that breathing? Do you need to clean your room? Your house? Do you need to feed a pet of yours? Well, then get to it, and none of that, “it doesn’t have to be now. I’ll do it later.” Later is just another word for Tomorrow.

Lastly, use your time. To do what you need to do, of course! This is probably the easiest step of the whole guide, and yet so many people can’t do it. They say they don’t have the time, that they’re too busy, to do what it is that they need to do, but if it’s just done, you don’t have to stuff it into Tomorrow and dig it back up again. That’s just more work than necessary.

So, in conclusion, you don’t need to say that you will do something tomorrow, just bore yourself into doing it! Ah, you know what? I’ll conclude this thing tomorrow.

So, you know those people in your game lobby that you absolutely hate? The squeakers, the corner campers, etc.? Yes, you know who I’m talking about, and I’m sure they really get on your nerves. So, without further adieu, I present the perfect guide to make you one of the most hated members of the game. And in 3 easy steps! Let’s take a look.

The first step: Grab your shotgun and find a nice, unavoidable corner that everyone passes by. The closer to enemy spawn, the better. Your mission is to sit in that corner and shoot everyone you see. Don’t move, just sit there and stand in their way. Corner camping is the easiest way to make people wish you were dead.

In addition, you should probably brag about every kill you get, and rub that shot in the person’s face until they pull an RPG on you. And then brag some more. Also, if you begin to feel the slightest bit irritated, make a big deal of how much you hate this game and how everyone in the lobby sucks. Because, after all, nobody likes a drama queen.

Lastly, it’s time to put on your best six-year-old voice and scream into your mic, just to make everyone’s ears bleed all over their 20 bajillion dollar headset. It will also make them target you, so if you’re camping, it’ll theoretically get you more kills, but don’t count on it.

So, anyway, this concludes the guide to absolute hatred in any game, any time. Try not to abuse it (even if that was the point of putting this on the internet) too much, as it may cause unnecessary conflict. Be careful with your newfound knowledge, and happy trolling!